You Had Me At...

About two weeks ago I attended a day retreat about Thomas Merton. I really didn't know much about him before attending the retreat, but after just hearing the opening prayer of Merton's I was hooked. Kind of like the line from Jerry Maguire, "You had me at hello", Merton had me after hearing the first line of his Prayer of Abandonment, "My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going." Um, Yep. That's me!

 
Here's the whole prayer in it's entirety;

Thomas Merton's Prayer of Abandonment

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.

I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will

does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you

and I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing.
And I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road

although I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though

I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death,

I will not fear, for you are ever with me

and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

 

 

 

Since the retreat I've acquired another book to read...The Seven Storey Mountain by Thomas Merton. It's his life story he wrote when he was 29 about his life and conversion. From what I gather he was a typical person, well a bit of a "jerk" actually; young, immature and after experiencing a sense of loneliness or an "ache" for years, experienced a conversion and eventually responded to a higher calling from God and became a monk. (That's a VERY cliff-note version of his life story taken from my retreat notes).

One of the most impressionable things I learned about Thomas Merton though was that he experienced a great deal of loss as a child. His mom died when he was 6 years old and then his dad when he was 16. His father died due to a brain tumor. The presenter actually read an excerpt from when Thomas was sitting at his father's bedside while his father was dying. (Right away I could feel the lump creep in my throat and tears well in my eyes). As he was reading, images of Mike went through my mind, his death and how I would lay in bed with him him as he died. But as he continued to read, I felt "OK". I felt like I was ready to hear someone else's experience of death, death of a loved one due to brain cancer albeit. I actually found peace in that moment. Or maybe it was in the whole moment. The moment of the afternoon and hearing about Thomas' whole life...from sinner to saint, a void in his life that nothing could fill and then to experience this grace from God and conversion. I'm really interested to learn more about his life journey and how God has worked in his life.